I’d be lying if I said I ever expected to be writing this down on my blog. However, I want to be 100% transparent when it comes to my mental health, because if listening to me talk (or type) about what goes on in my head, then I’m happy to know I’ve helped them.
In September time, my mental health started to decline. It continuously got worse, until it all came to the boil, last week. I wish I was joking, but it came to a point where I would cry daily. I didn’t want to leave my bed, and I even had to take a day off uni.
I was back feeling how I did when I was fourteen. I was suicidal again, having thoughts of self-injury and self-harm. Wanting to eat and eat, until I literally couldn’t eat anything else. I hadn’t taken my mental health medication in nearly a year (I know this was insanely stupid).
It got that bad, that I just started crying when I was driving. There was no reason, it just hit me. After that, I rang my new doctors. I’ve recently (not so recently) moved, and I hadn’t been to this doctor yet. When I rang, there were no appointments, once I heard this I started to cry again, and told the receptionist I needed to speak to someone as I was having thoughts of taking my own life.
Luckily, she did arrange for a doctor to ring me, and within an hour, she’d found a free slot that day to get me seen. So I went along to my appointment and spent most of it in tears. I’m not going to lie, typing this is also causing tears, but I know putting it down here will be better.
After this poor woman listening to me, I’ve been put back on my medication and I’m being sent back to psychotherapy, four years after I was discharged from it.
Why am I writing all of this? Because it is perfectly ok, to after any amount of time, to relapse. I hadn’t thought of self-harm for four years, I had no thoughts of suicide for nearly five, and now I’m back there again.
Does this make me weak? HELL NO!
Does needing to take a tablet to make myself “better” make me weak?! HELL TO THE NO!
What does it make me? PRETTY DAMN STRONG!
I am STRONG for seeking help. I am STRONG for talking about my feelings, instead of hiding them.
I wish this had happened weeks ago, but this all happened on Friday. I wanted to speak about this as soon as I could. To me, talking about my struggles will help me overcome them. I will also be updating once I get into therapy again because there shouldn’t be a stigma around talking about this.
Today my main goal was to be open and honest about my mental health. I honestly believe putting it out there that I went back to get help again, will maybe encourage someone else who is slipping into old habits, to also seek help.
Not ready yet? Then please check out Lifeline or any mental health charity.
Remember – it really is OK to not be OK!